Let’s talk about polyamory.
No, you’re still on the right site.
Polyamory is a relationship structure where people intentionally choose consensual intimate and emotional relationships with more than one person.
This is completely distinct from cheating (which is non-consensual) and also from dating (since the eventual goal there is to narrow it down to one partner).
Polyamory is not for everyone, but then again, the same could be said for monogamy. If you’ve ever thought that it’s a little arbitrary how you’re allowed to have lots of friends, but only one intimate partner, or if you’ve wondered why it’s okay to love all of your children and but not more than one partner, polyamory might have crossed your mind.
Polyamory does come with lots of extra challenges. It can bring up feelings of envy and jealousy. Moreover, when you are with a partner and they are very excited about a new person they’ve met, it can hurt, and bring up lots of fears.
It’s perfectly fine to desire a monogamous commitment.
And yet, before you ignore any of this discussion as being totally irrelevant, I invite you to ask yourself if any of this feels like it hits a nerve in one particular area. Perhaps you have felt a similar feeling of jealousy and frustration towards a particular object.
Perhaps you are feeling this towards a phone.
Phubbed
Have you heard of “phubbing“? A portmanteau of “phone” and “snubbing”, it is meant to connote the practice of deprioritizing a person or people around you in favor of your phone.
If you’ve ever been at a dinner table with a partner or friend, and they are responding to texts, scrolling through Facebook, or looking at Instagram, instead of interacting with you, well, congratulations, you’ve been phubbed.
You know a situation is common enough when we create language around it. (The Germans are best at this, of course, but we do it too.)
How does it feel when you’ve been phubbed? When the buzz goes off, and the person you’re looking to connect with is off connecting with something digital? Or when you just want to be heard, and you’re not being listened to?
It hurts, that’s how it feels. And hurt can lead to anger, which can lead to fights.
In short, you feel deprioritized. Like something else is more important that you.
And no one wants to feel that way, especially not about a device.
NRE for a phone
In polyamory, there is the phrase called “new relationship energy”, or NRE, which describes the “love drunk” feeling you get when you’re excited about someone new.
Pretty much all of us have experienced NRE in our lives at some point, when we’ve first met someone special, but it’s only those in polyamorous relationships who have to witness it with their partners…who are feeling it for someone else.
And it can be really difficult, no matter how rock solid your relationship is, to see someone so excited about someone else.
A therapist and blogger described three ways in which a new relationship can negatively affect an existing relationship. Paraphrasing:
- Intrusion: The way an outside relationship has the tendency to invade the time and space of your relationship.
- Demotion: The change in status from being the “one and only” to being “one of many”.
- Displacement: The experience of feeling that a partner’s outside relationship is crowding out your relationship.
Now ask yourself: does this feel like how you’ve felt when your partner is scrolling through social media instead of talking to you?
Maybe you’re in a polyamorous relationship after all. You, your partner, and a phone.
How to cope
If this feels like this hits a little close to home for you, you’re not alone. Psychology Today states that “[w]hile the big 3 disputes for couples’ arguments used to be sex, money, and kids, it seems smartphones are rapidly rising up that list.“
And remember, if our culture has created a term for something, it’s probably pretty common.
The first thing to do is acknowledge your feelings and accept them that they are valid. If you’re feeling jealous, that’s okay, even if it’s due to a phone. You don’t need to feel ashamed.
It may help to write down a few some statements that go like this:
“I feel ___ when my partner _________ .”
The more you can do this with compassion and without judgment, the better the exercise can be.
Then, at a time when you’re not feeling as activated (on a walk, say) you can bring this up with your partner, using some of the language you wrote down. If you can bring this up with the desire to connect and grow deeper with your partner, and not as a criticism, it’s more likely that the conversation will go better.
You’re not saying that your partner can’t ever be on the phone. Perhaps you advocate for some phone-free time, a designated space where phones go in a drawer (with “do not disturb” on).
This is exactly the types of arrangements that polyamorous people do. “Yes, it’s okay for you to go out with that other person. But I’d like to also have some time where we don’t talk about that other person, an instead can focus on us and our connection.” It is very possible for those in polyamorous relationships to navigate the difficult situations that come up, and the fears that are triggered, to create solid, long-lasting bonds.
If you are able to be present with your honest feelings and desire to understand your partner, I’m confident that your partner will be more likely to respond with openness to you.
What if it’s your phone?
What if this sounds like you and your phone? Maybe your partner has gotten upset at your phone usage before.
If so, maybe it’s time to own this.
You could go to them and say “I was thinking, maybe we could have a phone-free night, just the two of us. How would that be for you?” I have a feeling I know what the response would be.
How I cope
I don’t use a smartphone, so my partner doesn’t need to worry about me deprioritizing her for my phone.
My partner does have a smartphone, but, thankfully, I don’t worry about her either, because she’s very intentional with her phone usage. We focus on each other when we’re together, and when we need to engage with a phone, we do so in a limited manner.
In my opinion, smartphones affect relationships almost entirely for the worse. They create a sense of intrusion and displacement (and demotion in the worst cases) which can lead to feelings of fear, loneliness, and frustration.
For me, because of this, the choice is simple for me to not own one; I know I can more easily be present and less prone to distraction.
But you don’t need to get rid of your smartphone to be a better partner. If you can learn to be more present with the person you love, the person right there with you, you can both be more connected and feel more fulfilled.
Take it from the poly people, as they’ve all been there.
Have you ever felt challenges with a partner regarding their (or your) technology usage? I’d love to hear about it in the comments below.
